knots

{Annapolis Valley berries & fresh whipped cream}

Today someone asked me where I see myself in two years career wise. It felt like a punch to the gut.  My instinct to manage my image immediately took over. What should I say? What would someone who knew exactly what she wanted to be doing in two years say? I should have a well thought out answer for this I told myself. I paused, then stumbled, and finally mentioned something about wanting to work in a creative environment.  That is the best answer I could muster? A creative environment? What does that even mean? My answer was not articulate, which is the worst because I really have thought about this question a lot. The problem is I don't really have an answer.

If someone asked me what I don't want to be doing in two years I would have a better answer. I could wax poetic about what I do not want to be doing for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I feel almost burdened by the amount of choices I have in terms of a career. (I don't use twitter but the hashtag #firstworldproblems springs to mind as I re-read my own prose.) Don't get me wrong, employers are not knocking down my door, but I do believe that in the medium term I could get additional training and pursue any number of career options. I don't want any more options! I just want to do one thing I really love. I just don't know exactly what that would look like.

Is it bad that sometimes I secretly wish someone would tell me "This is what you are good at Emily, this is what you should do for a living. You'll love it, I just know it"? Then I could respond, "do you really think so?". To which they would reply, "I know so, Emily. I know so".

But that is not the way she goes is it?

Instead I will sit here, with fresh strawberries in a bowl, trying really hard to focus on the simple, sweet things in my life, while a knot tightens in my stomach as I think about what I want to be when I grow up.

It is a way harder question to answer when you already are a grown up.

Way way harder.

xo

Em