on being the worst

{our assignment was to capture light or shadow -- apparently it is not in vogue to photograph the sun -- how do people know these things?!}

Remember how I am taking an introduction to digital photography class? The class I thought would be a breeze and a nice way to mix it up mid-week? Aren't continuing-ed classes supposed to be easy, stress free and fun? Not this class, oh no, it has been a lesson in humility. I promise I am not just saying this: I am the worst photographer in the class. Well, that was literally true until this week (week four), this week I think I've moved up to being "among the worst". (I'm talking bottom two.)

As someone who doesn't like doing things that I am not good at it is embarrassing to admit how challenging I've found this. I get anxiety before class. I've thought about quitting and I've felt a little sick almost every Wednesday since I started. Holy get a grip, huh. (I wonder where Violet gets her anxiety from...)

Now I'm not top of the class in everything I do -- not even close, but I hope it doesn't sound vain if I say that I am typically not the absolute worst in the group. Just in case you're not used to being the worst either let me fill you in -- it isn't very fun.

I'm trying to keep the whole thing in perspective. I am learning lots, photography doesn't have to be "my thing", or maybe it will be "my thing" someday and I just need to practice. I think kids get this, but grown-ups are funny huh, we kind of assume we'll be able to do anything we put our hand to, but that isn't how it works is it? Learning an instrument, a language, how to parent or be a good spouse -- they all take effort and hard work. I don't know why I thought this class would be any different.

I'm also trying to see my position in the bottom percentile as liberating. In my head that makes sense. Zero expectations, how wonderful! But when it comes time to show our photos in class my nerves take over and I cannot embrace my failure for the life of me. Sucking is not fun. It just isn't. I am, however, determined to see this class through and hold my head up high. I am just learning, it is my turn to be the worst and that is okay.

Right...


xo

Em